I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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