I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
