And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
