you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
