sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
