Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
