hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
