I could have mohawked her pubes.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
