Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
