Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
