never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
