I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Two words: blizzard sex
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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