I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
