thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she smelled like a LAN party
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
