she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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