What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
