you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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