The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
