Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
