This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
