Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
