Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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