She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
