I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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