I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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