If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
