When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Drunk is not a location!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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