My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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