You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
