We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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