i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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