1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
