My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
