I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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