he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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