you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
