quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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