Don't make out with my wife yet
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
