happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
