great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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