when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
