hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Randomize
