I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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