slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
