I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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