My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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