Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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