How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Boobs are out for the taking
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
