I cannot find my penis.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
