jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
